House “Selfish” 7×02

Ep: Selfish 7×02
Reviewed by: useyourwords
Ship rating: 7/10 (Lower marks because I feel like House has lost himself in this relationship)

The patient of the week is a 14 year old skateboarder girl (Alyson Stoner) who collapses while giving her wheelchair-bound brother a taste of what it feels like to skateboard as she pushes him in his wheelchair around the skateboard course.

The House & Cuddy relationship is tested in the workplace. They admit to the relationship to Human Resources and both claim that it won’t be a problem for Cuddy to continue to supervise House. As the episode progresses, House capitulates time and time again to her commands and loses a bit of what I love about the character – namely his blatant disregard for authority.

Finally, in the end, House and Cuddy have an argument about what is best for the patient and they talk honestly about why he has been giving in to her during the case. I hope a little bit of House’s fight the power attitude will return.

Shipworthy scenes:

In the parking garage Monday morning

House: We gotta stop parking like this. People are gonna talk.
(He grabs Cuddy’s hand – why is hand holding so much more SQUEE-worthy than kissing sometimes?!)

Cuddy: Well, that’s why I plan on doing some talking first. I want us to formally report our relationship to Human Resources.
House: Okay, you get them. I’ll cover everybody else.
Cuddy: I would appreciate it if we could keep it quiet until we’ve had that meeting.
House: It’s gonna be hard with me grabbing your ass all day.
Cuddy: Grabbing stops at the threshold.
(House grabs Cuddy’s ass)

Cuddy: Of the parking garage.
House: Handicap plates…I got special access.
(They enter the elevator)
Cuddy: I just don’t want our relationship affecting our jobs…or the other way around.
(They walk into the hospital)
House: Why, Doctor Cuddy. How was your WEEKEND?
(House exaggeratedly winks at Cuddy)

(They talk about the case for a bit)
Cuddy: I’m gonna get us into see HR this afternoon. Think you can hold your tongue ’til then?
House: (whines) Mom. Fine, people are gonna know us soon enough. I think I can hold it ’til lunch.

— —

House and Wilson in Wilson’s office

House: Find any itching powder in your hankie? Fake poo in your desk drawer?
Wilson: Yes, the lack of dime store pranks is proof that you’re actually dating Cuddy and not just mocking me for being worried about you.
House: What do I have to do to prove this to you? Tattoo my cane on her inner thigh? Tattoo her inner thigh on my cane?
(Cuddy enters)

Cuddy: You told everybody, didn’t you?
House: Repeatedly. This one’s not buying it. Need a little help.
Cuddy: I’m not selling it. It’s time for our meeting at Human Resources.
House: Mmm…Human Resources. Now why would I need to go to Human Resources?
Wilson: House, you’ve been to Human Resources 74 times in the last 6 weeks.
House: Never after doing this.
(He makes a move to kiss Cuddy but she pulls away)

Wilson: Well, I’m convinced.
House: Come on. Give me one peck. Just enough to arouse him a little.
Wilson: I…hey…I’m not even…
House: I didn’t mean you.
Cuddy: If I confirm it, can we leave?
House: Yes.
Cuddy: It’s true.
(Wilson looks at them like he doesn’t believe them so she gives House a peck)

Wilson: I’ve been more passionate with my great-aunt.
House: Mabel? (He holds his hand up for a high five) Up high.

(Cuddy reaches over and grabs House’s *ahem* package)

Cuddy: Are we done here?
(Wilson nods yes)

House: She didn’t even ask me to cough. (Calling to Cuddy) I think you straightened out my limp a little.

— —

In Human Resources

HR Rep: How would you describe the exact nature of the relationship?
House: You ever see “Wild Kingdom”? Those insects that rip their partner’s heads off after copulating?
Cuddy: It’s a sexual relationship.
House: (to Cuddy) Go slowly now. He’s writing it down.
Cuddy: I believe that I can still supervise Dr. House effectively, but we both want to follow hospital policy to the letter.
HR Rep: Our conern is to make sure that there’s no conflict of interest, no liability for the hospital.
House: You think we’re gonna sue if things so south? Cuz, lemme tell you. She actually does go south.
Cuddy: House! Let him talk.
HR Rep: I know you’re not going to sue because you are both going to sign Love Contracts…consensual relationship agreements.
House: Well, obviously outside counsil will have to review the crotchless undies clause.
HR Rep: We’ll also have to watch for any favoritism towards Dr. House.
House: She has to sleep with everyone?
Cuddy: I promise not to give him a raise or a promotion of any kind.
House: There’s gotta be a joke there about keeping up with inflation.
HR Rep: Or bias against him. Are the any supervisory issues with Dr. House’s current caseload?
House: Nope, current case is solved. Patient has long QT and we’re going to scare her into cardiac arrest to confirm.
Cuddy: No, we’re not.
House: Okay, no we’re not. See, everything’s under control.
(Cuddy tells House not to do the test and he gives in to her)

— —

House and Cuddy in bed

Cuddy: I didn’t run into you all afternoon. Missed you.
House: Busy day.
Cuddy: Maybe we should plan on lunch tomorrow.
House: Problem is, at lunch, you tend to wear tops. (He lifts up the sheet for a peek) This is much better.

(They start to kiss and House’s phone rings)

Cuddy: (Into phone) Cuddy and I are naked so I’m having trouble focusing. Use small words.
(The team talks to House for a bit about the girl’s case and he hangs up on them)
Cuddy: I should really get dressed. I told the nanny I’d be home by 9.
House: and I slipped the nanny 40 bucks and told her to stay ‘til 10.

— —

After a long argument about what’s best for House’s patient

House: You made an argument. If you don’t want me to defer to you, why make it at all?
Cuddy: But are you deferring to me just because we’re seeing each other?
House: Maybe, yeah I think so. This is screwing me up. Why’s it not screwing you up?
Cuddy: It is. I don’t know why I okay’d you foaming that lung. I realized it was wrong as soon as I said it.
House: I knew it. I knew cuz you tilted your head.
Cuddy: House, we are screwing this up. I’m gonna call H.R. Find someone else to supervise you as soon as I can.

— —

Cuddy walks up to House as he watches the family

Cuddy: H.R. can’t find you a new supervisor.
House: How come?
Cuddy: Because, you’re unsupervisable, House. Two department chairs threatened to quit.
House: Well, I guess we’re stuck with each other.
Cuddy: I have no idea why I’m making this call or if it’s the right call to make, but if you feel strongly about presenting the parents your treatment option, you can do it.
House: Thank you. I will. Several hours ago.
Cuddy: You told them?
House: I told him. He came to my office. I’m sorry.
Cuddy: Well, I should probably be more mad at you.
House: Yeah.
(Then there’s some arguing about the case)
Cuddy: That fight…was the first honest interaction you and I have had since we came back to work. If we are painfully, brutally honest with each other, maybe we’ll get lucky again.
House: You’ve got a big ass.
(He reaches over to grab her ass and she laces her fingers through is and they enter the elevator holding hands. SQUEEE!!)

— —

The end

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